


What Has to be Done

by HobbitBraids



Category: Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: F/M, Forgive me if characters seem OOC, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, It's out of my hands now, Kidnapping, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Not necessarily a happy ending, Possibly Unrequited Love, Running Away, Self indulgent in the weirdest way, not a oneshot anymore, reluctance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-05-30 03:08:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15087677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HobbitBraids/pseuds/HobbitBraids
Summary: Katherine tried but it was no use. They both thought it could be real. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad. Perhaps this was as good as it was going to get.





	1. His reasons

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JennyLynn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyLynn/gifts).



> I blame you. Enjoy!
> 
> ~  
> There are implied references to rape and assault which could be triggers for some people. It is not explicit but I wouldn't want anyone to get triggered or anything of the sort because of anything written here.
> 
> This was based on my interpretation after reading the first book since I have yet to see the TV series. Hopefully it's not too out there. I own nothing.
> 
> Cheers!

For the first time since she had traveled back in time, an odd thing to think about in it's own right, she felt her new reality come down on her like a bucket of ice water. She'd had to do without all modern comforts, give up her own fighting instincts to be able to fit in 'properly' and not draw too much attention to herself, even been kidnapped. Twice. Standing between the many trees realization dawned on her of how high the stakes were.

Not that there was any doubt in her mind after what she'd gone through with those soldiers.

She wrapped her arms around herself trying not to think about it all. She had to focus on getting away. At least she still had the presence of mind to find a way to escape. Katherine had heard about the effects of such experiences but nothing can prepare you for it. Powerless and alone. She knew she was alone.

A rustling close behind had her hiding behind the trees. The cover of darkness was still on her side, thank goodness for a cloudy night. Distant angry voices carried over through the cool breeze. Concentrating on getting away, Kat never noticed the faint shuffling getting closer until it was too late. A rough hand covered her mouth and a strong arm came around her waist holding her in palce. 

"Shhh lass, I got ye," whispered words next to her ear, hot against the chill of her skin. Blind panic inhibited her from realizing just who had caught up to her and she started struggling against her captor.

" _Sassenach stop yer fussin'._ "

She froze, recognition sinking in. The hand was taken off of her mouth and the grip around her waist slackened enough for her to turn. If he'd let go completely she would have fallen to the ground, knees giving out in her surprise.

_Dougal._

Before either could speak Murtagh, Jamie and Rupert were there. Even in the almost non existent light she could see a mixture of annoyance and worry in their expressions.

"We gotta go," Jamie said in a hushed but urgent tone.

"We can tak'em."

"Not now. Not wit'er li' this." There was no questioning his statement. Everyone went quiet. "Can ye wa'k lass?"

She nodded, exhaustion taking over.

 

They didn't have to walk far. The horses were hidden only a little farther up. They each mounted their ride, Dougal helping her up on his own then getting up behind her.

The ride to Castle Leoch was slow but uneventful. It looked like those deserters had abandoned the search, perhaps believing she was dead in a ditch. Kat had been running on pure adrenaline. She hadn't been fed once since the redcoats had taken her. They didn't dare venture into clan territory, for now.

Claire was waiting for them along with Mrs. FitzGibbons, both sporting sleep addled eyes and worried expressions. They all dismounted, Rupert taking the reigns of Dougal's horse and joining the others on their way to the stables while the War Chieftain carried Kat into the Castle, both women following close behind. 

 

"Pass'd ou' a couple miles back. I reckon she'll need rest." He laid her on the bed and turned to Claire. "Weel discuss this in the mornin'."

Mrs. Fitz tucked her in, muttering under her breath as she took stock of the extent of physical damage visible under the candlelight. 

"Two days. I dinnae ken 'ow she managed but she escaped," he turned his head towards her sleeping form. "Nothin' pretty went on while they 'ad 'er." His face was hard to read but his tone was not unsympathetic. It was more cautious than anything.

"I'll tend to her, get her some food. We can speak to her once she's well rested, if she's up for it. We can't push her if..." Claire knew very well what probably happened even if she wanted to be wrong. Thinking about her  encounters with the redcoat deserters plus the stories she'd heard since then were more than enough confirmation.

Mrs. Fitz left after fetching all the supplies she knew the nurse would need. The night would be long and the coming days would be even worse.  Claire was determined to at least make sure Katherine was comfortable. Explanations could wait. She was safe. Taking her pulse for reassurance, she then began carefully cleaning the wounds.

 

~

 

She was exhausted. Katherine had been in and out of consciousness for the better part of the next couple of days. Claire took it upon herself with the help of Mrs. Fitz to get some liquids into her, broth for the most part, to build up her strength. Her scratches and bruises were healing. Even the black eye and busted lip looked less menacing in the daylight. The nightmares were still there. The outter wounds would be long gone before she could say she was better emotionally. She could feel herself falling apart but she would have to get through it. This is just the way it was now.

Katherine, being fully awake now, had opened up to Claire that morning, not able to hold it in any longer. She didn't go into details but at least she felt lighter after getting it off her chest, though speaking about it made it real. She hadn't given them the satisfaction of breaking down at any moment, always thinking of some way to escape. They hit her trying to get some reaction from her to no avail. At least she had control over that in the midst of...

In the few months after they had gone through the stones, the English nurse and the American teacher had become close. Even being from such different time periods, one from 1945 and the other from 1993, they had bonded over their unexpected predicament. Katherine had stumbled unto the clan shortly after they had gotten their horses, getting left unceremoniously behind while they took care of the redcoats waiting along Cocknammon Rock. 

Claire had mentioned the fact that Dougal wanted to speak to her sooner rather than later. Kat was not looking forward to that. Most of her time in Castle Leoch had been spent either helping take care of the children or butting heads with him. That last disagreement had been the motivator for this endeavor. Unlike Claire, who was mostly respected because of her nursing skills, Kat was merely tolerated as an intriguing tag along, even if she proved to be mildly knowledgeable when it came to helping Claire with Jamie's wounds that first night. Yet being a teacher had almost no bearing in the eighteenth century Scottish Highlands. Katherine had found it quite difficult to adjust, unlike Claire who seemed like a natural, aside from her occasional bout of not so feminine language. It didn't hurt having Jamie Frasier as her proverbial lap dog. Not that Katherine resented it, she had no interest in the young Scot. Kat just felt alone.

Taking a bite of her bread a firm knock carried through her room. Swallowing much too quickly Kat started coughing instead of being able to answer as she originally intended. The door opened unceremoniously.

"Are ye alrigh' lass?"

Dougal had come in without anymore preamble, stopping short in the middle of the room. She held up her free hand, nodding in assent while still struggling to catch her breath.

"May we speak?" He said in his usual dismissive monotone manner so familiar to her ears. There was no room for denial, short of passing out or death, so she just nodded again. He stepped forward bringing the chair by the window and dragging it close to the bed. Dressed in his full Scottish garb (as she had dubbed it in her mind), she found herself studdying the plaid and brooch in favor of avoiding his non too pleased gaze.

"Ye put us in unnecessary danger lass."

 _Here we go again._ She took a deep breath.

"For all intents and purposes I was trying to get as far away from here for the exact opposite reason," she replied as calmly as possible. _Of course the first words out of his mouth would be an accusation._ This was why she wanted to get away. No family, no friends, arguments and frustrations at every turn. Why he decided to keep her under strict scrutiny was beyond her. Katherine was only trying to make the best of this insufferable situation. It was ridiculous but, it seemed as though he would go out of his way to point out her flawed manners as well as her confrontational and defensive attitude while dismissing others with not so much as a nod their way for the same. Her disregard for self preservation when it came to going head to head with Dougal MacKenzie was impressive. She was not some rock he could kick around.

"On foot. No supplies. Redcoats all 'round," he scoffed.

"I have my reasons... hence I thought it best to go about it that way. Supplies would've slowed me down, not to mention I wouldn't dare take a horse or anything from here without explanation. I'm not about to cross the people who helped me, albeit reluctantly." Katherine was sitting up looking him in the eye. He crossed his arms over his chest, brow rising incredulously.

"Besides, I figured it would've been a day's walk, day and a half at the most, to town. I had water. It was enough."

"Wha' woul' possess ye ter venture ou' like tha'?" He leaned forward, his expression hard and in complete juxtaposition to his frustrated yet slightly hurt tone.

She sighed.

"I needed to go. I just miss..." Kat replied quietly, voice trailing off.

Unconsciously he brought his hand up towards her, catching himself halfway, making a fist and bringing it to rest on his knee. The quick action gesture was not lost on her, making her hold her breath, eyes wide.

"Ye need ter rest. I gather Claire will be by shortly," he said. The change in the room was instant. Making his way to the door he added over his shoulder, "Eat. Get yer strength up."

And he was gone.

 

~

 

The next few days were painful and draining as she healed emotionally and physically. Though after being shunned in her room for the better part of three weeks she knew she had to get out. Katherine needed the distraction of her assigned duties and chores. Dougal hadn't come by at all but Claire relegated the fact that he regularly asked about her progress. The strange look the nurse always had told Kat that she found that amusing.

Once she went out she found that her little venture was still very much a topic of conversation. She was used to the looks and whispers, those were always out of a sense of curiosity stemming from the unknown circumstances of her arrival. Now they stemmed out of a sense of pity and, in some rare cases, resentment. Katherine didn't know what was worse. Walking across the courtyard with most eyes on her she didn't notice the pair of hazel eyes that followed her from one of the windows above.

 

~

 

"I'm tryinna unnerstan' why," he said defensively, feeling her questioning gaze, keeping his eyes on the figure below.

"Did you ask?"

He nodded, still distracted. Claire knew the answer. She also knew no matter how much Katherine tried to explain it not even she was sure of the reason. Plus no answer would ever be enough until they both understood what had been going on for a while now. Claire had thought about running too. Not anymore, though. Now she had a reason to stay, even if it was a betrayal. She still thought about Frank, still loved him. But, in the end, Dougal had been right. Marriage. Bonding with someone. How  _he didn't get it_ was beyond her. 

"No matter her actions Katherine is seeking a reason to stay," she stated in a mildly condescending tone.

"So she ran 'way?" He turned to her.

"It's more complicated than that. And she certainly didn't plan for what happened to her as a result. No-one should have to go through that," she pointed out defensively. "She does appreciate- this and all you have done but-" she sighed. "You're more transparent than you think. You'll figure it out soon enough," and she walked off.

 

He avoided Katherine and Claire, who kept giving him sharp looks when they did cross paths, for the next couple of days. Things went back to normal, as normal as life in an eighteenth century stronghold could get. Dougal was a practical man. The fact that Claire was the one who pointed out what was apparently obvious didn't mean he hadn't known. He had for a while but for reasons unknown he had not acted on it. When Rupert told him she was gone, well... and knowing what she had to go through. He cursed under his breath. Dougal had more than enough reasons to hate them but this one was at the top of the list now.

He had to speak with her before she tried to run away again. Or actually realize she has feelings for someone that's not him. There was no shortage of interest though she didn't seem aware of it. Not that he would object if that were the case, hopefully it wasn't. He wanted her safe.

He spoke to his brother about it. It shouldn't have come as a surprise that Colum just thought it was a matter of time.

_"Ye'll have to wait. I ain't sure she'll be entirely up to it after what 'appened ou' there."_

He'd have to keep that in mind. She would not be in danger as long as she didn't stray far. At least, if she agreed, it would deter her from leaving. She'd have a reason to stay. 

 

That evening after dinner he took her aside and asked her to walk with him. Skeptical and apprehensive as she was around him, her curiosity got the better of her and she agreed. They walked in silence under the light of the setting summer sun until he stopped on the far side of the courtyard.

"I still don' ken the exact motivations fer yer actions tha' nigh' lass," he began purposefully. "Though I have come to an understandin'. Yer safe 'ere and I woul' like ter keep it tha' way. Yer actions were partly me fault. Ye certainly ken me attitude hasn't been the best- I would 'ave ye next ter me for better or worse-"

"What?" She took a step back. He followed.

"Lass- Katherine... it was such a strange feelin' goin' ou' there ter find ye. We've so many unfortunate casualties..."

"Why? You've no interest in me, you certainly don't love me- and I'm, well..." she stubbornly avoided his intense gaze feeling the shame of the consecuences of her flawed actions.

"Lass, I'm sure that's not entirely true, I find meself not able to not 'ave ye 'ere."

"Dougal I-"

He closed the gap between them pressing his lips against hers to silence her protest. He had wanted to feel her lips that afternoon in her room. He'd wanted to feel her pressed to him for far longer than that.

Caught by surprise she stood there stunned for a few moments until she came back to herself just enough to push him off. The slap echoed across the empty courtyard like thunder. Then she was pulling him down once again, searching, exploring, for the first time not thinking about how long until she'd be able to go back home. Or if she even wanted to.


	2. A miscontrued proposition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of that evening things are not always as black and white as they seem and a high stakes game comes in play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was supposed to be a one shot. Then this plot bunny kept hammering in on my thoughts as I tried to finish my other two stories. Not gonna lie, it spiraled down into chaos pretty quickly in my mind.
> 
> Feedback is always welcome, especially since I'm fairly new to this fandom and I came to it for very specific reasons ;).
> 
> Enjoy.

_It had been a cruel illusion._

His confession, more of an acknowledgement really, had come out of a sense of drunken awareness (not that he  _was_ drunk, he's a Scot) than anything else. Most nights after that were spent getting each other wound up between feverish kisses and searing touches only to end abruptly with her half naked and alone under cold sheets. Dougal would leave to go drink for an hour or two while she lay in his bed wondering why she kept indulging him. She'd never had the nerve to return to her room while he drank. No matter what was happening between them this was never a safe place for her. That's why Katherine always pretended to be asleep when he came back, stumbling under the covers seeking her warmth and wrapping himself around her but nothing else. By morning he would quietly dress and leave, thinking her still asleep. After she was sure he'd gone, she'd go to her room feeling the internal shame that left her wondering what it was he wanted from her.

It had gone on for almost a month now. Everyone thought they knew. Boy were they wrong.

 

On one of these evenings, while she was having dinner in her usual shadowed little corner on furthest table, none other than Rupert Mackenzie and Angus Mohr sat themselves down  on each of her sides. The look of startled confusion on her face was not lost on them, eliciting a hearty chuckle from both. Further down the large room, sitting on his brother's side at the head table, Dougal Mackenzie straightened in his chair watching the new arrivals. He'd made it a habit to observe her whenever she was around, just like he'd done with Calire, ever since the beginning though the latter was mostly Jamie's problem now. The light ruckus coming from her table had drawn the attention of others around the room, including Collum who looked inquiringly at his brother. Having Rupert and Angus going out of their way to sit with her piqued his curiosity, more out of a sense of caution after all these drunken nights of complaining to them than jealousy. 

 

"Good evenin' me lady."

Rupert on her left side.

"Mistress Grene."

Angus on her right.

How strange to hear her chosen last name. Her real one would have raised too many flags. She'd almost gone with Gallagher remembering those famous brothers of a favorite band from her teenage years while mentally grasping for English surnames. Katherine had finally settled on something more American, at least to her ears.

"Sirs," Kat answered with a curt nod to each, spoon still halfway to her mouth. 

"Wee've a bit of a," Rupert waved his hand in the air looking for the right word. "Query ye might 'elp us wi'."

Angus hummed, setting his right hand on the table next to her plate. They were both straddling the bench facing her.

"Ye see lass, bonnie Rupert 'ere was wonderin' if rumors are true."

Katherine furrowed her brow, finally noticing the hovering spoon and settling it down. 

"Aye. We ken aboot yer nightly lodgings in one Dougal Mackenzie's rooms though fer wha' purpose, we're no entirely sure," Rupert said with a salacious grin.

" _I beg your pardon?_ " She finally managed.

"Weel ye see mistress, wee've 'eard rumors that ye've finally decided ter deal yer frustrations in the bed rather screamin' matches, as before-"

"Auld Dougal seems less..." Angus shrugged.

"But wee've some reputable information thea' speaks ter the contr'y." The self-satisfied look on Rupert's face did nothing to improve her fast souring mood.

She was rooted to the spot, mouth open in disbelief. Were she back home they would both be nursing their jaws right now. That slap in the courtyard had been instinct and, being alone with him had, oddly enough, made her feel more in control. Not that he couldn't have overpowered her easily, being almost a foot taller than her despite her not so petite curves. But they were in the middle of the dinning hall, room full of people armed and ready to fight, and not in defense of her impetuous actions. No. This time she'd have to sit and listen as a means of self preservation. 

"Ye see, we ken better and I person'lly woud like ter offer ter remedy yer _situation_." She noticed his words along with his soft smile seemed peculiarly earnest considering his previous manner.

"Ye wish," Angus leaned forward leering enthusiastically. "The lass woudna ride ye into battle, ye dobber." He let out a hearty laugh accompanied by a slap in the knee.

"Wait just a sec-" Katherine tried to interject.

"Now, now, watch yer mouth in fron'o the lady," the stout MacKenzie reprimanded his companion.

"Who put you up to this?" Kat wasn't sure if this was another test or just the way these men interacted. Feeling Dougal's gaze boring upon her wasn't reassuring either, and she didn't dare look at him.

"No-one, sassenach-"

" _I have a name,_ " she huffed, irritation starting to get the best of her.

"Apologies, Mistress _Grene_ " Rupert supplied half amused while Angus suppressed a laugh. "Tho I reck'n MacKenzie might suit ya better- as in Rupert MacKenzie that is. Yer a fiery one, lassie. I cannae wait ter ken what yer like under the covers," he'd leaned closer, speaking quietly next to her ear.

"Are your women so  _genteel_ that you all chase after the first woman to insult you or that dares speak her mind, regardless?" It was something that bothered her to no end. Being an outsider and an odd one at that, having half the men proposition you for no logical reason was something rather absurd in her mind. She wasn't fond of all the attention, especially having everyone talk behind your back about things they didn't know.

"If I am or am not  _bedding_ Dougal MacKenzie is none of your concern and I certainly don't appreciate having it discussed," she was positively seething inside though still keeping her temper at bay. "An offhanded marriage proposal thrown in doesn't make this conversation any better either-"

"Mistress Grene- Katherine," the firm sound of Dougal's voice made them all jump unexpectedly. "I would 'ave a word wi' ye. Now."

"I need to-"

"Rupert'll take care o' it." The stern look from the older MacKenzie left no room for argument. She sighed.

"If you'll excuse me sirs," Katherine nodded stiffly, rising from the bench, annoyance clear in her tone.

 

He walked dangerously close to her, not daring to touch her so as not to draw any more attention. Once alone in the corridor he grabbed her firmly by the elbow and half dragged her to the nearest empty room, closing the door behind them.

"Wha' was tha' all 'bout, lass?" His tone was measured but no less commanding. "Dinnae test me  _sassenach_ -"

"Shit, I have a name!" Katherine erupted, all the built up anxiety and tension coming out in one breath. "I'm _not_ Claire and you're _not_  Jamie so  _spare me the theatrics!_ I'm bloody tired of it all." She pushed a stool that was near her in frustration. "What is it that you want from me...?" Katherine stood panting in the middle of the small room. 

Dougal couldn't help the lascivious smile that spread across his features. Her explosiveness was addictive. Before she had a chance to realize what was happening he closed the gap separating them in two quick steps. Grabbing her around the waist, Dougal pinned her between his hard body and the wall, lips desperately traveling from her mouth down to her heaving chest. In her surprise her body responded in turn, the moans and whimpers unwillingly falling from her lips mixing with his untamed growls. After a few moments of unabashed passion her mind caught up with her reality and she instinctively punched him on his side under the ribs. Granted, Katherine was not an expert fighter by any stretch but had enough basic skills to hurt someone, especially if it was unexpected. He doubled up, startled. Having the slight upper hand for a few more seconds, she elbowed his face as hard as she could, quickly taking out the small dagger she'd taken to hiding in her left sleeve.

"I'm done playing this game Dougal MacKenzie," she brandished the dagger close to her body, trying to establish the seriousness of the situation. Kat had no illusions of the insignificant chance she actually had of hurting him now that he was giving her all his attention. "You need to sort out whatever you have going on and then tell me what you want from this- us." She had made it to the door and was groping blindly for the latch.

" _Lass_ , all I need and want  _is you_ -" His muffled voice sounded far away though not unkind or angry. She noticed a small trickle of blood on his lower lip.

"No, you need to be sure. I -" The latch clicked as her quiet words reached his ears. "Don't follow.  _Please..._ " Her heart was heavy as she disappeared behind the door.

He knew it was the right thing to do, at least for now.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Not a fortnight had gone by when word came of Maura MacKenzie's death. He hadn't come back to her though she knew he had ways of knowing of her whereabouts. His wife. At no point had Katherine even considered this a possibility. She'd heard of the daughters, never met them, but assumed the wife was no longer in the picture since no word of her was ever spoken. His numerous extramarital affairs were no secret, though at the time she thought he was just another womanizer, not knowing he was actually still married. An arranged one at that, according to what Jamie had told Claire.

It still didn't explain why he never... Marriage had clearly not been an obsticle with other women, so it was something to do with her. Even after a week of Dougal being gone to deal with-

_Fuck. Why am I thinking about this?_

She set the basket on the ground settling herself down on her haunches. Mrs. Fitz had tasked her with picking out some herbs from the large closed garden off of the main courtyard. Alone. The head housekeeper of Castle Leoch had taken Katherine to work in the kitchens after hearing some awful gossip about her. The pitiful glances she'd been getting since she and Dougal began this- whatever it was- that evening in the courtyard had become nothing more than relentless leers. Katherine was thick skinned but she wasn't sure how long before she let someone have a piece of her mind sooner rather than later.

She felt his eyes on her. He'd taken to following her around in the wake of things. She wasn't stupid and he knew it

Out of the corner of her eye she saw him come in.  _He'd finally decided to make his presence known._

" 'fternoon Mistress Grene."

She sighed, unimpressed gaze landing on the new arrival. Rupert walked leisurely along the path as she slowly got to her feet.

" _Faodail_ fer me stumblin' upon ya," his boyish grin in full display.

"Luck had nothing to do with it." She'd picked up some things in her time here. Standing her ground, Katherine remained alert, knowing the only exit lay behind him. "What do you need, Mister MacKenzie? I'm busy."

In the second it took her to try and reach for the dagger he had swooped behind her, right arm pinned between their bodies, left arm held firmly at her side under his arm that had settled comfortably around her waist. For a fleeting second her mind was back at the redcoats camp and panic threatened to overtake her. 

"The on'y thing I need is ye _m'eudail,_ " he whispered near her ear, surprisingly affectionate. Against her instincts she felt her body relax somewhat. "Och, he di' warn me tha' unless I ran into ye naked by yer own account I shoud keep yer right 'and away from yer lef'." He let out a short laugh when she tried to free said arm. "Aye lassie, yer a wild one me wee Kat. I'm 'ere per Dougal's request, mistress, to be 'is eyes 'n ears 'til ye decide ter take 'im back- and ye've not disappointed from wha' ye've shown me. I ken ye've seen me around, especially when ye're all by yerself behin'e trees in the orchard. Those sounds ye make are pure bliss."

Katherine let her head fall back on his shoulder thinking about the orchard. Feeling her relax even further he let his left hand travel up over her chest still careful not to release her arms. She wouldn't deny it. Katherine had been curious ever since he'd propositioned her back in the dinning hall and she'd decided to give him a show and see how far it would go. If Dougal wanted to play this game and have her followed once again, by Rupert no less, so be it. She was done being the only one playing by the rules. Already regarded as a harlot she might as well make it slightly true and have some good natured fun.

Rupert could've forced himself on her already if that had been his purpose. Instead he regarded her with patience, even now, with her body flush against him leaving no doubt of his readiness, he still choose to wait for permission. Feeling her willingly rock back slowly unto his hard cock with a soft moan, neck exposed, he knew he had his answer. His lips moved from her ear down to her neck and shoulder then back up again in an almost reverent fashion. His right hand disappeared under her skirt, which she'd obligingly bunched up with her now free hands, easily finding her wet heat between the bare skin of her legs. His left arm served to ground her, holding her around the waist and occasionally cupping her breasts. 

" _Mo bean bhàsail..._ what have ye done ter me? I wanna be inside ye but right' now I need to see ye undone by me own 'and for once."

Katherine wriggled and moaned between gasps and low curses as her breathing became erratic. The slow rhythm he had set at the beginning was now a relentless pulse. She pushed back on him in need of solid reassurance.

"Och, I've spilled meself countless times recallin' yer wee noises as ye come under the shelter of the trees," he pushed his hips forward and pulled her back with his arm making her groan loudly, gasping for release. "That's it me Kat, dinnae stop now, I ken yer close-"

Feeling her quiver in anticipation he covered her mouth to muffle her imminent cry as she went over the edge.

" _Fuck..._ " She breathed out as he held her whispering unknown endearments unto her caramel colored skin.

"Katherine?"

Claire's voice broke through the laden atmosphere like lightning on a stormy night sky. Katherine cursed under her breath knowing that the English woman who had shared her time travel predicament would most likely come to lecture her soon enough. Sensing the obvious shift, Rupert put his hands up, releasing her from his impassioned grip. She turned to face him laying a quick hand on his chest with a short nod before picking up the basket. Without a word she straightened her skirt and moved past him, slowing slightly next to Claire.

"Is everything- I thought..."

But Katherine shook her head with a soft sigh and walked out. _Not now._ Claire followed her retreating form with her gaze until she was out of sight, turning to the still lingering Rupert, a frown on her brow. The stout MacKenzie, being the cheeky git she'd come to know just shrugged, fixing his plaid.

"Och, dinnae look a'me, I on'y came ter 'elp."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gaelic:  
> *Faodail = A lucky find  
> *M'eudail = my darling  
> *Mo bean bhàsail = my enchantress


	3. Compromise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Actions speak louder than words. Concessions are made by all parties invlolved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally had an epiphany... meeting Mr. Graham McTavish during DragonCon was a big plus in that department ;) (he's such a sweetheart, among other things)  
> Also: HAPPY HOBBIT DAY to all, especially you Tolkien fans. Yup, you know who you are :)

She had to stop halfway to the kitchens, leaning against the wall to find her bearings. Thankfully the corridor was empty. For a moment the only sound, at least in her ears, was the thumping of her heart. Though she wasn't sure if it was because of what had just happened or because she'd been seen. Probably both. One thing was clear, Katherine wasn't going to apologize. There was nothing to apologize for. Hell, this is the way things went sometimes. She owed nothing to Dougal, not really. It's not like she hadn't--

Katherine resumed her trek to the kitchens when the sound of hurried footsteps echoed down the hall. She didn't want to deal with this right now. _Shit._ She didn't make it far.

"What are you doing?"

_Of all people who could've walked in on them..._

Katherine decided to just get it over with. She schooled her face into a neutral expression, rounding up on Claire.

"What do you want to hear, huh Claire? You want to know about how the fierce Dougal MacKenzie has taken me to his bed _every single night_ since we- had our little chat? That he can never bring himself to finish what he starts? That he discusses with his drinking companions why he leaves me on his bed, half naked under the covers but not once has he told me his reasons? Or maybe you want to hear of Rupert's half arsed proposal? Or how he, in his most unusual way has made me feel a sense of normalcy for the first time since I arrived here? Not all of us have a happily ever after. This is as good as it gets." Katherine exhaled loudly, it wasn't Claire's fault after all. "He didn't even mention he was married..."

"Katherine I-"

"No Claire. God knows how many women he's had, married or not, but he can't bring himself to properly fuck me once even if the interest is clearly there? And still he insists on reminding me every time how he can't bare being without me," she scoffed. "No. I will not apologize for any of it and I will not deny how it made me feel. I am free to do as I please until he decides what he wants from me. I made that point very clear to him."

"What happens when he returns? If Rupert-"

"This was a one time thing- maybe. I don't know... but I will deal with it when the time comes. I didn't plan this and it's not like Rupert has any illusions. I'm probably just another warm body to him," she tried to sound dismissive.

"Are you sure about that?"

Katherine wanted to say yes, 'without a doubt', but that little voice in the back of her mind kept reminding her of his soft-spoken words and the surprisingly gentle-

"My wedding was set a couple of months before all this happened," she blurted out quietly. "Realizing that the passion these two men have shown in the past couple of months has been more than I ever felt from my fiancé in our almost four year relationship, not even in the beginning, has been a rude awakening though not in a bad way. What does that say about me?" The underlying self-deprecation in her tone was telling enough. "Andy probably thinks I came to Scotland to run away..." she added thoughtfully, mostly to herself.

Claire sighed bringing Katherine out of her thoughts with renewed bitterness.

"You lest of all should try to lecture me, _Mrs. Fraser_. If this is what I need to do to make it through another day here, so be it. I have no illusions about my precarious status here but, no matter what, it seems this is the norm in the highlands. I made myself clear to Dougal- and Rupert, well..."

"But are you clear on  _your_ feelings... towards them?"

_Damn it all._

"Mrs. FitzGibbons has been waiting long enough for me, plus I have to, um, freshen up," Katherine supplied stiffly. "Excuse me."

 

~

 

She spent the rest of the afternoon helping in the kitchens. It gave her time to put things into perspective and come to a temporary decision. The more she thought about that afternoon the more she related to the saying 'curiosity killed the cat'. Her mind kept reminding her of the fact that he'd preferred to give when all these men knew was to take. It was something that tipped the scales.  Maybe she was reading too much into things and he was just pretending to get her into bed. But even if it was just that Katherine told herself she could live with it. It's not like she wasn't using him too. Right? They'd reached an unspoken understanding that afternoon and she didn't want to upset that balance getting ahead of herself. Though, she couldn't entirely rule out the chance that she might be unwittingly harboring feelings for the unassuming highlander. 

 _Just what you need,_ she thought somewhat reluctantly.

She decided it was all about the here and now. Katherine was going to be selfish and hope for the best. Nothing was certain here.

 

Rupert was waiting for her when she came to dinner that evening, beckoning her over towards his table. As she assertively made her way to sit by his side, bowl in hand, Katherine noticed the rest of the people she'd be sharing her meal with. Aside from the ever present Angus (who, surprisingly enough, wasn't waiting in the shadows during their unplanned encounter in the garden) Jamie, Claire, Murtagh and even Alec were there, along with a couple of other vaguely familiar faces. With that audience she thought it best to finish as quickly as possible and leave them to their rather boisterous conversation about horses.

"Enjoy the rest of your meals," she said with a curt nod, gathering her plate and moving to stand.

"Lass...?" His voice was quiet as his hand came to rest on her forearm, the underlying question hanging heavily in the air. Gaze flickering from his hand to his eyes she cleared her throat.

"I, um, rather feel a headache coming on..."

"Maybe I should--"

"No," she turned abruptly to meet Claire's eyes. "I mean I just need rest. Thank you Claire, no reason for you to bother."

Katherine slid her arm from under Rupert's hand and stood up taking a few steps.

"Mistress Grene, per'aps I could escort ye ter yer rooms..."

As she turned to address him she saw Jamie put a hand over Claire's. A warning as the nurse made to protest, the slight shake of his head when she turned to him questioningly was lost to everyone else. Rupert was already standing, hand outstretched. 

"I would appreciate that, Mr. MacKenzie." Another curt nod and Rupert had taken her plate with his, offering her his free arm. They walked in silence, Katherine pointedly avoiding his lingering gaze as they left.

"Och, Dougal better come back soon or 'eel find 'is lady's bed ain't in need of warmin'." Angus raised his cup before taking a long drink as a couple of his table companions chuckled.

 

~

 

They walked slowly in companionable silence through the darkened corridors of Leoch. She had to suppress the urge to push him against a wall and well... the heat spreading from her core threatened to overwhelm her every time she felt his eyes on her.

Finally reaching her room, she opened the door and turned to face him. He seemed a bit distracted until she unhooked her arm from his. Looking in her eyes he took a step forward and rested his hand on her hip, leaning in.

"I ken how he spurs ye on, dismissin' ye without consideration... but I-," he spoke softly next to her ear, his rough beard slightly scraping her skin. She hummed not really listening to his words, only concentrating on the feel of his touch and his breath. "Because of what 'happened when ye left."

"Hmm... what?"

"He's afraid yer, well..." but he couldn't say it. It had been unfortunate what she'd gone through yet not her fault.  He'd had to swallow his anger to keep himself from going after those men himself that night.

 _Dougal didn't deserve such loyalty,_ he thought bitterly, knowing her regard for the older highlander.

"It ain't yer fault he can't-"

Realizing this was not the discussion she needed right now she pushed him back, going into her room and bolting the door behind her. He was left at a loss. He only wanted her to know Dougal was the one with the problem not her. Rupert scoffed knowing he unintentionally messed this up. He leaned on the door not willing to leave before she understood, even if it meant losing what little he'd gained.

"Lass I... I dinnae mean- I wanted ye ter know." He took a deep breath before adding, "I-I want ter give ye wha' he canna bring 'himself ter, if yer willing'..."

He waited. When she didn't respond he made to leave, begrudgingly accepting her decision. He'd only taken a few steps when he heard the bolt unlock and the faint sound of the door. When he turned he saw the flicker of candlelight through the slim opening. Steeling his resolve he went in, closing the door behind him.

 

 

 * * *

 

 

Dougal came back the week after next. Handing over the reigns to his mount to one of the young lads working with Alec he saw Katherine coming from the direction of the orchard, Rupert in tow. The absence of a basket plus the late hour clear indications of some alternate venture in the relative seclusion of the location. Neither party commented on the fact.

"Kathe- Mistress Grene. Rupert." 

"Mr. MacKenzie," she nodded in return.

"Dougal," Rupert responded, not entirely able to hide a slight smile.

"Och, been keeping' an eye on 'er while I was gone, lad?" The war chieftain's posture showed clear signs of restraint.

"Aye, Dougal. Keeping 'er outta trouble, ye ken. Just like ye asked." His words were underlined with amusement.

Dougal visibly bristled at the statement. Before either of the men could say another word Katherine stepped forward.

"Rupert her has been kind enough to escort me from the shadows, until I got tired of him lurking after me like some sort of criminal." She walked up to the taller MacKenzie, pulling herself to her full height even if her face only came to his chest. "As much as I appreciate your concern Mr. MacKenzie, next time don't." She walked off without waiting for his response.

"We still need ter talk lass," Dougal called after her, Rupert now at his side, both looking at her retreating form.

" _Spirited lass_ , ye ken?"

Rupert's audacity was impressive given the circumstances. He should have been expecting it after that blatant display. His jaw would probably bruise and it would hurt for a while but the lass had made it well worth it.

 

Dougal knew he wasn't in any type of position to judge her. She'd made it clear what she wanted from him and what he needed to do. He, on the other hand, was married (a widower now) and had a pregnant mistress, not to mention several other things that had happened over the years. Still he needed to speak with her. Dougal _was_ clear on what he wanted but now things had gotten slightly more complicated. He had no one to blame but himself.

He'd asked Rupert to keep an eye on her. The outcome was almost inevitable. It's not like he'd been quiet about it, on the contrary, Rupert would not shut up about the lass after they'd found her along with Claire. Until he'd noticed Dougal was the one who'd caught her eye. With this it'd been as if the older MacKenzie had given him permission to see if there was a possibility. 

 _Now here they were_ , he thought.

The war chieftain cursed under his breath, mostly because his concerns about bedding her after wht had happened with those men were all for naught. He cursed again.

"Excuse me, sir?"

Dougal is interrupted halfway down the hall by one of the older lads that helped around the Castle.

"Yer brother would like ter speak wit' ye sir, before dinner."

He sighed.

"Lead on lad."

~

"So Rupert had shown int'rest in the lass then." Colum's voice was deliberate. Dougal only nodded. "And Mistress Grene asked ye ter take time because ye couldn't-"

"Aye." Dougal's response was quick and gruff. He didn't need to dwell on that sore spot. "Tho there was Maura ter consider even before tha'."

"Maura had never been a concern before Dougal," Colum wasn't going to be dissuaded so easily. "With others. It ain't likely ye were considerin' marriage so what is the problem with just lettin' this be?"

"I was- Ah am. Even noo."

Colum was truly surprised by his brother's admission and that didn't happen often since the Laird knew his brother better than himself.

"Yet ye also 'ave an unborn bairn wit' Mrs. Duncan. I assumeit's anotha' bit the lass has no idea aboot although she's well aware yer no saint."

"I wan'ter make things right but I dinnae if she'll 'ave me after all is said an' done."

"Is this why ye decided ter get Rupert involved, so she wou'd choose?"

"It sounded simple enough."

"Weel ye stand aside noo tha' ye ken?"

"I wan'ter speak wit' her, but if that's what she wants then-"

"I ken ye Dougal. Yer relentless an' dinnae take no for an answer. Weel they be able ter be together with ye lingerin' around every corner?"

"Rupert was aware o' me intentionsan' still agreed. If a marriage 'appens, even if not wit' me then..."

"Yer no suggestin'...?"

"Aye, Colum. I've shared the attentions of women wit' their 'usbands before, and for lesser reasons. It feels diff'rent, I cannae say why but it does."

It was apparent there was nothing Colum could do. Dougal had to deal with his mess and pray for the best.

~

Katherine decided to skip dinner, opting to ask Mrs. Fitz for some bread and cheese to take to her room. The ever observant houskeeper readily agreed knowing full well the reason. Rupert had steered clear of her since Dougal's arrival though she wasn't sure if it was for her benefit or his.

Dougal would come soon enough most likely demanding explanations and seeking amends for his bruised pride if nothing else. That would be the best case scenario considering his impetuous nature.

 _I have nothing to apologize for_.  _He's one to judge_ , she scoffed at the idea.

As if beckoned by her thoughts there was a loud knock on her door.

"Mistress Grene, may I 'ave a word?"

_Dougal._

With a deep sigh she moved to the door, retrieving the dagger. If anything Katherine had learned anything from recent events it was to be ready. One never knew...

"Lass I ken yer in there,  _please-_ "

The bolt unlocked and he exhaled loudly. He straightened when she peered through the slim gap. Katherine used the bulk of her body against the door to try and hinder any sudden advances on his part.

"I ken ye skipped dinner so I brought ye a plate." He raised the aforementioned plate as evidence. His subdued demeanor, so uncharacteristic of him kept her on alert. "If it'll suit ye betta' we could take a walk-"

"No."

The word came out before she could think better of it. The dryness of her lips surprised her. She licked her lips and his eyes followed the movement. 

"I mean, that's not necessary. We can talk here." She hesitated. Katherine knew she could be asking for more than she bargained for. She stepped back, dagger in hand.

He pushed the door slowly, lingering outside for a moment longer. Dougal's intense gaze boring upon her still made her weak in the knees but she managed to stand her ground. It was something different with him no matter how much she tried to deny it. He raised an inquisitive brow and she almost dropped the small knife.

_Damn him._

Licking her lips once more she gave him a slight nod and he walked in purposefully towards the table to place the plate on top. Katherine let out a breath she hadn't noticed she'd been holding.

"Dougal."

"It was my fault lass," his back was still to her but his voice was steady and imposing as always. "Ye know I've kept things from ya. I- I dinnae if ye'll be able ter look past, well..." he turned to face her, fists at his side though his gaze was soft. "Everything."

This calmness about him was as out of character as she had ever seen him. It was unnerving to see Dougal like this. His explosivenes and confrontational manner was something she always counted on, a constant in their chaotic dynamic.

"I ken a wasnae able ter give ye what ye expected an' I ken it pushed ye ter him. Dinnae blame ya fer it. We may yet come to an understanding."

"What...?"

"I've always been the roamin' kind. Not even marriage stopped me, though per'aps it was because I dinnae love 'er. I wou'd like ter change- fer ya. It feels diff'rent wit' ye but I don't think I can be at this point." He walked over but stopped short of touching her.

"So you shoved me in Rupert's path because you don't want me?" Her voice was quiet, thoughtful.

"No  _mo chridhe_ ," he grabbed her arms and shook her gently. "I've always wanted ye. I just cannae bear ter hurt ya. I ken what 'appened when ye ran away an' I wasnae able ter help ya- an' after I had ye wi' me I couldn't brin' meself ter-"

"All those times... you just left me," she took a shaky breath. "That was worse. You could have told  _me._ "

"I dinnae mean ter- I thought it would be best." Dougal tried to cup her face but she moved just out of reach.

"What? To go get drunk and tell everyone else? How do you think I found out?"

"Ah'm sorry lass... There's no excuse."

"So you brought me to your bed but couldn't bring yourself to finish what you always started because I was abused but you thought maybe if Rupert could do it then it would be alright for you?"

"Katherine I- I cannae  _think straight_ when it comes ter ye."

She had to lean against the wall to be able to take it all in.

"He's a good lad and... well, he cannae stop talkin' aboot ye, even with us - together." He shook his head and punched the air in frustration. "Don't ye see? I would rather see ye happy and satisfied than hurt- by me."

"Unbelievable..." she breathed out.

"Ah'm tryin' ter come claen. There's things ye dinnae ken."

"What do you want to hear from me then? Am I supposed to go on as if nothing's changed with you... with him?

"Do ye love 'im?"

"It's- it's not," she sighed sliding down the wall to sit on the floor.

"I ken, darlin'," he whispered kneeling in front of her. "I want ter be wi' ya. I thought it was just a passin' fancy. But I feel the diff'rence and I cannae stand ter be without ye, even if it means sharin' yer attentions with him." He made to caress her cheek but thought better of it considering what he was going to say. "Ye also need ter know one of those dalliances has spurred a bairn, and she bein' a married woman, well..." his words trailed off.

For a moment they both stayed there in silence. Katherine had no idea how to react. She had been told about Hamish (Claire was a little too drunk on more than one ocasion while they were off collecting rents), but who knew. Things certainly weren't as simple once you were thrown into the midst of a whirlwind. More so if your emotions clouded your rationale. She was very much inclined towards selfishness at this point, no matter how wrong it sounded.

"Lass, the only thing I can offer ya is the truth even if it means-"

_Logic be damned._

Katherine leaned forward and gathered two fistfuls of his vest pulling him down for a hard kiss. Dougal lost his balance briefly at the surprise but didn't pull away.

"Lass, um, I -"

She cut him off as they rolled awkwardly on the floor.

"I need this. Just,  _please_ \- don't," was all she managed between rough kisses and the push and pull of trying to get a good handle on things. "You ain't leaving until were done." She told him when she finally was able to stradle him, hands on his chest. She shuffled slightly, her bunched up skirt plus his sporran digging uncomfortably between her legs. "Decide. Now."

Pushing her easily off of him, Dougal rose from the floor. He quickly gathered her in his arms and crashed his mouth on hers, bitting and kissing feverently. Somehow they made it to the bed, a trail of discarded clothes in their wake.

They both knew something had to give come morning. For now Katherine was content lose herself in his touches until exhaustion took over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gaelic:  
> * Mo chridhe = my heart
> 
>  
> 
> The epilogue morphed into a monster so I had to make it it's own chapter (to be honest, so did this one... blame it on Mr. McTavish for being so darn adorable, I mean even my 9yo daughter*she knows him from The Hobbit movies NOT Outlander FYI* can't stop talking about him and showing everyone her picture with him). But #4 will be the last. Promise.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me!!!


	4. Unavoidable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life has a way of beating you repeatedly until you finally buckle down... even if submission was never an option.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Timelines are hard and give me headaches especially when you want to work within the original story, but I tried my best... Let me know if there are things that don't add up (this was the main reason it took me so loooong to update).
> 
> *This ended as a mix of books and show (as you've probably noticed already) to suit my selfish purposes FYI.
> 
> *I took a short passage from Dragonfly in Amber (ch. 43) and altered it a teensy bit. ALL CREDIT TO DIANA GABALDON. I OWN NOTHING :)
> 
> Enjoy!

Looking back on it now it had been a strange arrangement no doubt but it worked for them. At least for a while. With the looming uncertainty surrounding the inevitable uprising she decided to live for the moment. Another reason she had been so careful not to get pregnant. Dougal and Rupert along with so many others were working towards a doomed revolution and, even if they survived, life as they knew it would cease instantly after their defeat. She'd married the younger MacKenzie after months of shuffling between both men. As much as she wanted to, Katherine had not put much faith in Jamie and Claire's efforts. When it was all said and done they made their choice clear. It shouldn't have surprised her.

 

 

_After catching their breath Kat moved to stand from the bed but his hand on her arm stopped her. She turned, smiling._

_"I need to- What's wrong?" Her smile faded seeing his hesitant expression. "Are you alright?"_

_"Lass," he sighed, sitting up on the bed. "I ain't blind an' we all know how this," he waved his hand between them, "came to be."_

_"Rupert you know-"_

_"No, no lass. I ken. I dinnae  mean it tha' way," he tipped her chin up, giving her an earnest smile. "I ken there ain't much I can do ter change things at this point. It ain't like it was a secret I wasnae yer first choice." He rubbed his beard thinking over his next words._

_"That's- Rupert don't."_

_" **M'eudail** , I dinnae fault ye for it an' I sure dinnae condemn ye for things we all agreed to a long time ago." He brought her hands to his lips kissing them with a surprising gentleness she hoped few knew him capable of. "I've been bewitched by ye since the first time ye cursed at me, my wee Kat." He chuckled self-deprecatingly."Dinnae ask me why but, och, it's true. And I was right' aboot how  **spirited** ye can be."_

_Katherine pushed him playfully and he grabbed her wrists pulling her close, serious expression on his face._

_"I ken Dougal's got yer heart even if I'm the one, well- 'ere." She made to protest but he continued. "Aye, I can live wi' that if ye so wish. I'd gladly play the fool, hell, I agreed to it from the start... if it means having ye by me side." Rupert reached for something in his sporran between his tousled garments on the floor. "Katherine,_ **_mo ghràidh_ ,** _" he began as he straightened once again on the bed. "I ken I already asked once but ye thought of it as a joke- more like an insult if I remember righ'." He held out a simple silver band._

_"Rupert..."_

_"Will ye agree to make it official? Will ye be my wife?"_

_~_

_The War Chieftain returned three months later to Leoch. Rupert, knowing Dougal would undoubtedly find her first since he'd been away for so long, kept to a visible corner of the courtyard. At least until the lass broke the news, for better or worse._

_~_

_Dougal noticed how Katherine wasn't there to greet him as usual when he came back after a long absence. That was his first indication that something might have changed. He knew Katherine wasn't with the lad since he was well placed in one of his usual spots sharing a drink with Angus. The older highlander wanted nothing more than to go find her but he knew he needed to go to his brother first._

 

_"Have ye spoken to either of them?" Colum's measured tone was grating._

_"No. I came straigh' to ya. I will find 'er after we're done. Let's get this whole business outta the way. That blasted nephew of ours an' his sassenach are not making things any easier in Paris."_

_"There's been some changes while ye were away." The MacKenzie continued, ignoring his brother._

_"Anything that 'appened while I wasnae 'ere I can hear from her."_

_~_

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

_She took a deep breath looking up at the closed door._

_"Yes?"_

_She'd seen him arrive from one of the upper windows. It was only a matter of time._

_"It's me, lass. I need to se ya."_

_With a reluctant sigh Katherine unbolted and opened the door. Making sure she was out of the way he pushed his way in grabbing her by the waist. Without pause Dougal's lips were on hers, hands looking for purchase as they roamed her body. She wasn't ready for the onslaught and instinctively reciprocated his advances. He belatedly pushed the door closed with a kick as his mouth explored her bared neck and heaving chest._

_"Dougal... wait, ugh-"_

_One of his hands had found it's way under her skirt gripping her arse and pulling her flush against him. Feeling his arousal only helped to weaken her resolve._

_"I've missed ye **mo bean bhàsail** ," he whispered._

_"Stop... uh, we can't. Just, ugh, liste-" an involuntary moan escaped her lips as his hand moved between her legs._

_"I see yer ready for me," came his breathless response._

_Even with her body reacting as it usually did when he was close she had to stop this. He needed to know._

_"Dougal. Please stop!" She managed to push him off slightly catching his attention._

_"What's the matter lass?"_

_"I can't- we can't do this. Can you listen for a moment?"_

_Breathing heavily he took a step back an unreadable expression on his face._

_" **Mo leannan** ," she said quietly, hands on his chest. Katherine wasn't sure when she started regarding him with the 'endearment' but he had never objected to it. That is until he noticed the ring on her finger as he brought her hands to his lips._

_"What's this?" He demanded louder than necessary, still holding her hand and waving it in the air._

_"He asked me to marry him. You said it yourself it might happen."_

_"I ken lass. I remember." He pushed her hand away looking to the floor. "This explains yer absence this afternoon."_

_"I wanted to tell you alone. I know this, what we have- you, me... Rupert- is no secret. But you said you wanted me to be happy..." Kat avoided his questioning gaze._

_"But things ain't supposed to change!" He rounded on her. "Not even if ye married 'im. We ain't changing a damn thing. He can't demand that." Searching her face for reassurance he only found regret._

_"Dougal, you know that's not how it should be and- he didn't demand anything." She couldn't understand why it would be so hard for him when she was the one with the emotional attachment. "Rupert was willing to compromise and keep things as they were. He made it clear he'd be fine looking the other way if that was what it took since he knows..." **how I feel about you** , she thought, not able to say it out loud. "I've come to care for him too much to do that to him, it isn't fair-"_

_"Fair? Fair?! What aboot me? Ye don't care fer me then, is tha' it?"_

_It was a credit to him how he didn't just take his frustration out on her physically considering how women here were usually treated and what a short temper he had._

_"You know this isn't right no matter how you go about it. I can't help the way I feel about you but you said it yourself you can never just be with me. I'm sure you have plenty of other willing women that would gladly -"_

_"Is that what ye think?!" And his fist came very close to hitting her that time making her jump back slightly._

_"It's what you told me," she whispered so as not to provoke him further._

_"And yet ye never complained just like I ain't complainin' aboot the lad. Go, have yer marriage! I'm used ter havin' the things I come to love always out of my reach." He turned his back on her but she saw how his shoulders fell slightly at this last statement._

_In truth, Dougal MacKenzie's life was tied to a series of seemingly unfortunate circumstances when you looked at the big picture. Having to forfeit the Clan's leadership to his disabled brother, fathering an heir for said brother, giving up another son, fighting for a lost cause though not knowing it at the moment_ _. The list was long but that didn't mean some things couldn't_ _have been avoided..._

_"No." The tall highlander squared his shoulders and turned to face her, gray-blue eyes rooting her to the spot. "Ye can 'ave yer marriage but I won't give this up. At least not tonight."_

_He was quick and he was driven. There was no refusing him at that moment even if she'd wanted to. Katherine welcomed his rough advances making peace with the fact that it was for the best. She was already beyond redemption, they all were. This would be closure, for now._

 

 

She was true to her promise to Rupert even if her thoughts did stray to Dougal more often than she cared to admit. It couldn't be helped. On his part, the war chieftain kept his hands mostly to himself though, on ocasion, Kat would feel his gaze setting her skin ablaze. Other times, when he was feeling bolder, she'd find herself pinned between the wall and his solid body in a dark corner of the castle, his hands and lips mapping every inch of her. His presence was intoxicating but Kat would just stand there motionless until his want turned into frustration prompting him to storm off and find release elsewhere.

Katherine hadn't known she was pregnant until her unfortunate miscarriage a couple of weeks along. That happened in Spring.  She'd passed out on her way from one of the gardens. Mrs. FitzGibbons had helped with the aftermath as best she could, aided by Kat's own general first aid knowledge, once she'd come to, since God only knew where Jamie had taken Claire after that whole witch trial debacle. Not having Rupert or even Dougal there was what afected her the most. They'd left a week before it happened. Coming back to that news a couple of weeks later had been upsetting to both. The certainty that the bairn had been his was still of little comfort to Rupert.

 

The change of pace in the months that followed were all too palpable. With news that Claire and Jamie were back in Scotland time seemed to speed up. In the blink of an eye another year had come and gone and they found themselves reuniting with them and getting ready for war. Kat had somehow convinced both men into letting her come with the excuse of helping Claire. It was a memorable experience in more ways than one.

 

 

_"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Katherine whispered as Rupert led her a little ways away from camp._

_"Aye love. I ken this ain't the best but considerin' our arrangement in that tent I'll take my chances. I might not make it after tonight and-"_

_She cut him off with a forceful kiss._

_"Please don't say that..." but her voice trailed off, the thought of what was to come all too clear in her mind. Claire had mentioned this would be a victory for the Jacobites but there's always some nameless casualties even for the victors._

_"Come 'ere **mo ghràidh** ," he pulled her towards a clear spot were a blanket had been laid._

_"You didn't just think this up, did you?" She stated in mock indignation._

_"What's wrong wi' wanting ter spend time with me wife?" He countered innocently, dropping down on the blanket and pulling her on top of him. Kat just kissed him trying to muffle her involuntary nervous laughter._

_Not wasting any time she got on her knees, undoing his trousers as he struggled with her bodice. In their eagerness neither heard the footsteps approaching until it was too late._

_"Lass why'd ye start withou' me?"_

_Katherine cried out in surprise when Dougal pressed himself to her back. "Shhh **m'eudail** , ye know I always got ya. It's been too long," he hissed in her ear, beard grazing her neck._

_The wave of alcohol in his breath overwhelmed her senses momentarily. Katherine didn't struggle, looking to her husband's confused gaze for a course of action._

_"Dougal- um, ugh- what ... we-" She tried to find her voice but her half argument was lost between unintentional moans as his hands and lips found their familiar path on her skin. Realizing Rupert was still processing what was happening she had the presence of mind to take one of his hands and bring him out of his stupor. In that brief moment the younger MacKenzie found he was intrigued by the scene unfolding before him. The sounds coming from his wife's lips combined with the lust in her gaze called to him. Without a second thought he crashed their mouths together prompting Katherine to divide her attention between husband and lover._

_The guilt of this night might linger in her mind once all is said and done. Nevertheless, she chose to ignore the feeling in the warmth supplied by the tangle of their bodies considering what ultimately waited for all of them come morning._

 

 

The return to Bonnie Prince Charles, although in victory was not necessarily pleasant. Losing Angus took it's toll on Rupert. Kat tried to help him through it but the burdens were many for both. Against her better judgement she reverted into the comfort of Dougal's arms. She never neglected or denied her husband's advances but, no matter how much she cared for Rupert they all knew things had changed.

Fall hinted at winter, bringing forth the realization that her recent emotional and physical abandon would have serious albeit not unwanted consequences. This time there were no reassurances of who the father might be. Having no doubt in her mind about her condition and in light of her previous miscarriage, she reluctantly decided she needed to confide in someone.

 

 

_"Um, Claire?"_

_"Hmmm?" The Englishwoman was distracted over a case of bandages._

_She cleared her throat. The fact there was no reason the time traveling nurse would think the child might not be her husband's was the only thought going through her mind. Then again, Katherine felt that her guilt oozed out of her in waves._

_"Is everything alright?" Hearing Kat's loud sigh made Claire turn, leaving her previous task forgotten._ _Katherine's hesitant gaze only served to further her growing worry on the seriousness of the matter. "I've noticed how withdrawn Rupert has become. It can't be easy for him. Jamie tells me he blames himself for Angus." She'd  decided to take a stab at what might be bothering the younger woman._

_"Well, uh, yes. He's been- different. We're taking it one day at a time. I mean, it won't be easy, especially with what's coming but it's getting better I guess..." She stalled trying to think of a good way to bring up the subject. She found none. "I'm pregnant."_

_"Excuse me?" Claire did not make any attempt to hide her obvious concern._

_"I needed to tell someone." Kat tried to reason._

_"How long have you known- suspected? Does Rupert know?"_

_"Going on two months more or less. I haven't told him considering..."_

_"Considering what?" Claire took a step forward frowning. "Is it not-"_

_"No. I mean yes." Katherine took a deep breath to clear her head. She needed to steer the conversation away from this particular detail. "It's just I don't want to get his hopes up considering our previous experience."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Oh, I had a miscarriage a few months after we got married," she said quietly realizing Claire wasn't aware._

_"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply-"_

_"That's fine."_

_The silence became heavier with each passing second. She sighed._

_"I want to make sure things are ok this time before telling anyone else."_

_"Fair enough. Let's go find a room that way we can have a better idea."_

_"Thank you."_

_With a sad smile Claire led Katherine quietly down the hall._

 

 

Another month came and went, the ever present cold and gloom looming over the men as a constant reminder of their purpose. Rupert moved on, getting some of his lightheartedness back but it was mostly to stave off further explinations to those around him. Once night fell and they were alone she saw his far away look and knew how much had been lost.

War has a way of doing that.

Katherine never denied he wasn't aware of the consequences, they all knew there'd be casualties. The life he'd had to lead, as well as his fellow clansmen, had showed him as much. It was the fact that he blamed himself for surviving when Angus had died unexpectedly after helping him. She comforted him, physically and emotionally, whenever he'd allow it but she still held off on telling him about the baby even though things seemed to be getting better. Her husband needed time to make peace with himself and the idea of fatherhood would probably be of little help. Unfortunately time was not something they had much of.

 

 

_The sounds of battle were drowned by the surprise and confusion of the new arrivals as they scurried into the church._

_"It is MacKenzie of Leoch," came the all too familiar commanding voice. "Who else bides here?"_

_"It is Geordie, Dougal, and my brother with me," said another nearby voice in obvious relief. "We've brought Rupert with us, too; he's wounded-"_

_"Where is he? Where's my husband?!"_

_Katherine was there as well trying to make sense of the situation in her own right. Fumbling in the dark among rising voices and muffled footsteps she's caught by two strong arms._

_"Lass, what the devil-?"_

_Pushing herself out of Dougal's grip Kat somehow managed to reach Rupert's side. She dropped to the floor and, finding his hand cradles it tightly in both of hers while trying to make out his face._

_"I'm- I'm sorry," he says between rough coughs._

_"Don't. Just- Claire... Claire, please!"_

_Silent tears streaked her cheeks. Katherine had gone over every possible scenario but nothing fully prepares you for it. She kissed him gently trying not to sob._

_Claire, who had been distracted by Jamie's sudden arrival after the initial commotion had died down, came to kneel on Rupert's other side, blindly assessing the severity of the highlander's wounds. Dougal lowered himself next to Kat, hand on her shoulder. His strong presence was of little comfort to her at this point. Intent on whispering reassuringly to her husband while Claire groped and spoke to him, Kat missed their momentary retreat to discuss the next course of action._

_"Katherine," Claire's voice was low but steady when they came back. Katherine didn't move._

_"_ **_Mo chri_ -** _lass, please." Dougal's unusually quiet voice broke her out of her reverie long enough to look up. From the little she could make out she saw they were now kneeling on Rupert's other side facing her, Jamie in tow. Her attention was brought back to her husband when he started to speak between wet coughs and wheezy breaths._

_"My wee Kat- listen. It's... alright. Don't forget- I love ye."_

_Before she could protest or respond he turned to his chief in a last effort to ease his pain._

 

_Katherine wept, hugging Rupert's body until exhaustion took over. The MacKenzie grieved in Claire's arms._

_~_

_As daylight crept along the kirk so did Lord Murray's men, calling for their surrender. In a spontaneous turn of events it's decided that Claire will go with the Englishmen in order to spare the highlanders' lives. Before 'swooning' into Jamie's arms she reveals to Dougal Katherine's pregnancy so that he can make sure she's taken care of._

 

_With Jamie safe inside and the door shut once again Dougal rounds on Kat, looking murderous._

_"Is it true?" He lifted her up by the shoulders. "It ain't enough having Rupert's death on my conscience, now I've to deal with ye putting yerself and the bairn in danger?!" She shrunk away from him as much as she could considering his iron grip on her arms, fresh tears stinging her eyes. "Did he ken? Did he ken, lass?"_

_"No! No," she added a bit quieter hearing the murmur of voices around them. "After what happened last time I didn't want to burden him."_

_"Was he the father?" he whispers in her ear. Her hesitance told him all he needed to know. Either way he knew he had to try his best to get her and her unborn child out of harms way. Letting go of her he strode to his nephew who looked angry and frustrated._

_"We'll 'ave to get her to Leoch as soon as possible-"_

_"I have to get Claire out. I won't risk leaving her there longer than necessary." Jamie was not going to be persuaded. Dougal understood even if he didn't like it._

_"A'right. I'll find a way."_

 

 

That's the problem when you find yourself in the midst of something like this. Especially with the knowledge that the ones you've come to care for cannot win. Losing Rupert and somehow making it back to Leoch made Katherine finally realize she could no longer live like this.

She'd wanted to spend what little time they had left close to them. Her heart ached for both and in her narrow idea she'd resolved that going along to the battlefront was the right thing to do. No amount of guilt over the risks she'd taken would change her mind that it wasn't worth it. Now, with the illusion of safety that was being behind the castle's walls and under Mrs. FitzGibbons care, she'd had time to think things further. Sadly, it wasn't a matter of  _if_ Dougal survived. After Culloden it was guaranteed to be hell for all who were left standing. The only requirement was to  _not_ be English. And Katherine, for better or worse, had been aiding the losing side all along, not to mention her accent which baffled most who met her. For the English all those who were different from them would be considered on the wrong side. Staying would be a death sentence anyway you looked at it, that much was certain.

Katherine had to think about her unborn child. Dougal might think of it as betrayal if he ever had a chance to come back and find her gone but her mind was made up.

So she devised her plan.

With everyone distracted in their own little worlds, Katherine had the opportunity to gather enough supplies and knowledge of her whereabouts to feel positive of her chances of making it to Craigh Na Dun. Five months along and, though not showing much, exhaustion was her worst enemy always coming quicker than expected. Nobody paid her particular attention any longer, her outsider status disappearing almost overnight when she'd married Rupert along with the undying rumors of her dalliances with Dougal. Slipping out was no effort, considering. 

The trek was tedious and took longer than expected, having to rest more often than not but she'd made it. Standing in the middle of the stone circle guilt swept over her once more but it didn't break her resolve. Her heart was a different matter altogether. She was leaving more of herself here than she dared to admit and that realization was overwhelming.

With one last deep breath of the Scottish air she stepped forward and her life in the highlands was gone.

 

~

 

Katherine received the letter a little over a month after Mackenzie's first birthday. Reading Claire's revelations left her gasping for air. Trying to imagine what had transpired after she left was not ideal but it gave her reasonable peace thinking he'd at least carried out what he'd set out to, even if doomed from the start. As she went over the words again and again the comfort of that idea shattered.

She'd wanted to go back and see if there was any sign of them, of what she'd lived, no matter how insignificant but, pulling her life together hadn't given her the chance. Three years of being gone left her a lot to make up for physically, mentally and emotionally. Not to mention she had a child now. Knowing he hadn't made it to Culloden was disheartening. He'd pushed so hard. Granted, his fate was sealed after being such a presence at the center of the rebellion but, it would have been far more noble in his eyes than the alternative. 

History was not re-written and, though Katherine had no illusions about Dougal's character in general, she thought she understood enough about his nature to know he was only a man fighting for what he believed in. This confession might have eased Claire's conscience but it only served to open up a not yet healed wound for Kat. There'd be no closure for her and no forgiveness for Claire or Jamie in her mind.

She could still feel his lips on her skin from the last night they spent together before he left her at Leoch.

Katherine had suspected from the start there would be no good ending to this story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gaelic:  
> *m'eudail- my darling  
> *mo ghràidh- my love  
> *mo bean bhàsail- my enchantress  
> *mo leannan- my lover  
> ~
> 
> I like happy endings, I truly do but, ultimately I couldn't bring myself to take away the little sacrifices and redeemable actions these characters made in Gabaldon's original story... no matter how much I wanted them to live happily ever after.
> 
> *At one point I considered having my OC not be able to go through the stones and go back/be captured but I didn't have the heart. Having her receive the letter also helped me deal a little with my repressed frustrations for that particular situation with Dougal and the Frasers- go figure.
> 
> Thanks for all the great feedback and patience. What started as a little strange drabble in the rolling Scottish highlands ended up as a completely unexpected adventure. I will now go and cry in my little corner for a while. 
> 
> Cheers!


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